What is Flower for 'Love Me, Feed Me, Never Leave Me?
by Lordess Meep
Summary: On the 17th of November, there is a comet that passes by the Earth, and all of Sendai gathers to watch. Or, Tooru receives proof that his life is a cosmic joke, gets stalked by sentient flora and Hajime has the lamest superpower ever. Also featuring the handsome and dashing best friends, Takahiro and Issei, and the local botany whisperer, Ushijima, who just wants to help.


Inspired by "Hedge Your Bets" by jibrailis (on AO3) over at the Ace Attorney fandom which was written for this prompt: "Miles Hedge-worth, the plant-based superhero." The original is absolutely hysterical and of course it needed an IwaOi spin to it, so here I am.

Unbetaed, so all these mistakes are mine and mine alone. The numbers in box brackets (i.e. [1]) are related to the footnotes... I haven't figured out how to link them yet, so you may have to search for them in the page. Or, hey, just go ahead and wing through it anyway! ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

* * *

On the 17th of November, some three weeks after having their asses handed to them by Karasuno, there is a comet that passes by the Earth – something that Tooru already knows, given by the way he closely monitors the JAXA website, reading it every evening religiously – and all of Sendai gathers to watch the pretty lightshow, what with the governments worldwide ordering a near blackout to appreciate the view.

Tooru makes Kindaichi videotape the whole thing for posterity, so there.

It's not until some days later that the news is flooded with reports of people ending up in the hospital with varied ailments and JAXA says that the cosmic anomaly that was the comet emitted some strange radiations in the Earth's atmosphere and then Tooru walks into the kitchen one morning and there are _two_ of his own mother standing there-

 _Aliens_ , Tooru thinks.

"Superpowers," his sister says, now casually watching four of their mother parade around the house, tending to various chores, "At least that's what the NHK is reporting."

Tooru is practically trembling with excitement.

"And, hey," his sister says, just as their mother makes her doppelgängers disappear and then looks around their now spotless house with an incredibly pleased smile, "You never have to do chores anymore."

Tooru grins at his sister. This is going to be _great_.

* * *

This is going to be _awful_.

Tooru has variously whined about the unfairness of life and while everyone else has put it off as him being overly dramatic, he now knows it to be patently true.

The comet gave Watari the ability to attract things to himself. Yahaba can apparently control marine creatures, as evidenced by the way Shiro the Orca and the penguins reacted to him when Yahaba visits the aquarium on a date. Kunimi can phase through walls and uses this to skip out on suicide runs, much to Mizoguchi's dismay. Kyoutani has super strength and the dastardly duo, Takahiro and Issei, have both developed super speed and teleportation respectively and Tooru has had the pleasure to witness the results of their pranks far too many times over the course of two days.

Kageyama – for the love of all that is holy – gets telekinesis and can basically manipulate the fucking ball to any fucking where he please. The cute little Chibi-chan grows these huge pair of shiny black wings and can _actually fucking fly_. Aone, the so-called Iron Wall of Date Kou, can literally become an iron wall, having gained the ability to transmute his skin to iron. Ushijima can now control fucking _gravity_ of all things.

And Tooru – Tooru gets _nothing_.

If this isn't unfair, he doesn't know what is.

He sits in a corner of the gym and sulks.

"Uh," Kindaichi clears his throat and he's the only one Tooru lets sit next to him because Kindaichi doesn't have powers either, "It's going to be… okay?"

Oikawa scowls at him. "Is it, Kindaichi?"

Kindaichi colors. "It's only going to last for another four months?" he tries.

"Okay, that was a better attempt at consoling me," Tooru replies and Kindaichi immediately lights up.

And, yes, Tooru's read up on it too because the top minds at JAXA say that the comet will come by in early April and their powers will fizzle out under its influence. Thank God for that, otherwise Tooru might just have gone and taken the path of a resentful supervillian in the midst of all this.

Well, at least he has four months of no chores and then he's off to university. So, yeah, he _never_ has to do chores.

Tooru sighs for the umpteenth time, scowling at the joyful way Yuda is now climbing walls.

So much for his silver lining.

* * *

At first it's nothing – just a single strand of fern growing on his pillow and tickling his nose to wake him up. Three days of that and Tooru gets used to it; because, apparently, this is just one of the many ways he and his best friend interact now.

So yeah, that's what Hajime gets – Agrokinesis, or the ability to manipulate plants.

Initially, Tooru is pissed and he doesn't talk to Hajime for an entire day. Then, Hajime, in a bout of anger, manages to erect a thick, gnarled acorn tree right in his front yard, with its branches twisted so that they shoot right through Tooru's open window, and _climbs_ it, the tree automatically creating handholds and footholds, all to yell at Tooru and tell him to stop being an immature asshole.

"And it's just for four months, anyway!" Hajime huffs and Tooru relents because, well, he has a point.

Then, it's convenient because every morning that Hajime and he make their way to school, shrubbery pops up along their path, and, really, that just makes it so much easier for Tooru's fans to find him, lifting his mood because, despite being one of the handful who hadn't been bestowed with powers, he is _still_ the most popular guy in school which just proves that he is basically perfect.

"God, you're so fucking vain," Hajime says when Tooru tells him this and a snake-line of ivy sprouts from Hajime's collar with a yellow freesia[1] at the end of it.

"You know it's true." Tooru replies, ignoring the way the flower slowly edges towards him.

"Ugh." Hajime emotes and they part for class.

Hajime is also especially useful because now Tooru can literally produce full-fledged bouquets out of thin air, given that flowers follow Hajime _everywhere_. His desk at school is twined with vines and leaves, small white and pink anemones[2] artfully blooming at even intervals. When they break for lunchtime and head for their usual place on the school roof, there will a comfortable patch of grass for the four of them, neatly lined with a row of petunias. Even his bedroom resembles an overgrown garden at this point.

Tooru is torn between pitying him and laughing his guts out because manly man amongst manly men, Iwaizumi Hajime, instead of getting something like super strength – which would've been more suited to his image – gets the power to control _plants_.

"GAH!" Hajime yells when he messes up a spike – because, despite having retired, they still stopped by the club from time to time – and hedges, some eight feet in height, spontaneously pop up right behind where he is standing, right where Kindaichi and Kunimi are.

Kunimi calmly phases through the hedges. Kindaichi is not so lucky.

"Iwaizumi," Irihata folds his arms, now levitating in midair, and addresses him tersely, "Don't come back to the gym again."

Hajime scowls at their head coach, looking utterly betrayed and the hedges grow taller in response.

"I-Iwaizumi-senpai," Kindaichi calls from where he is stuck on top of one of the hedges, absolutely terrified, "Please calm down!"

Hajime whips his head up and in his panic at distressing his kouhai, the hedges grow even taller.

Tooru is his best friend, which is exactly why he laughs so hard, he actually cries.

* * *

(For the record, Issei teleports Kindaichi off of the hedge with ease, so Kindaichi is fine, even if he is suffering from mild shock and basically ducks and hides behind Kyoutani each time Hajime tries to apologize.)

* * *

"Cheer up, Iwa-chan," Tooru tells him when they're on their way back and Hajime is still reeling from the ban that has been imposed on him, "Look at it this way – at least now you're literally Aoba Jousai's mascot[17]."

Hajime kicks him in response, getting a shower of leaves on Tooru's track pants.

* * *

"Hey," Tooru says when they're back in their respective houses and separated by an entire road, "Tell me, did you get a call from Ushiwaka-chan to cross-pollinate-"

"I'll kill you," Hajime growls into the phone and, from his vantage point, Tooru can see bright red maple leaves sprouting right under Hajime's bedroom window, "I swear, I'll personally come over there and strangle you."

"Don't scowl like that, Iwa-chan," Tooru wags his finger even though Hajime can't see him, "You look so much cuter without it,"

He's met by complete silence and, really, the rapid way that pale pink Amaryllis Belladonna[3] begin bursting forth along the ledge of Hajime's window and override the maple leaves entirely is enough of a tell, so Tooru cuts the call with a maniacal cackle and leaves it at that.

* * *

It stops being hilarious exactly a week after the unfortunate incident with the hedges – Kindaichi is still scared of shadows that are vaguely Hajime-like in shape and usually rushes to hide behind the first superpowered person he sees – when the plants start ruining Tooru's life.

* * *

It starts with the single fern turning to a mix of purple pansies with bright yellow centers, huge red hibiscuses and pale yellow camellias[4], all faintly edging towards him and softly stroking his cheek with their petals, and Tooru's wide awake and a little scared when the flowers try to follow him when he gets off of his bed.

He doesn't mention it to Hajime in the morning, given that he looks tired and the plants that pop up along their path are more radiant than usual, which cheers up Tooru a bit.

Then, they reach the school gates and Tooru's fans spot him and sending cheerful greetings of _Good morning Oikawa-san_ and comment on how great he looks this morning as well. Tooru waves and greets them back, his mood instantly lifting. He walks away to say hi to a couple of girls from his class when suddenly-

"Iwa-chan?"

Tooru stares at the thin tendril of ivy wrapped around his wrist. Hajime stares at it too, with wide, shocked eyes.

"Uh…"

The girls from his class notice him and wave and one of them, Misaki-chan, winks at him playfully. Tooru waves back and laughs in response and the tendril around his wrist tightens and Tooru swears it gets thicker.

"Iwa-chan," Tooru turns to look at Hajime, brows furrowed in question, but Hajime just looks panicked.

"I'm not doing this," he denies, even as the ivy begins tugging him towards Hajime, "I swear I'm not doing this,"

"Tooru-kun," Misaki-chan calls and Tooru turns to see his classmates looking vaguely concerned, "Is something wrong?"

In response, the ivy wraps itself further along Tooru's forearm and pulls him decisively to Hajime's side and bright yellow roses[5] begin popping up from the concrete of their school grounds.

"Oh my God," Hajime sounds absolutely mortified and Tooru is actually more fascinated by his best friend's embarrassment – because Hajime almost _never_ gets embarrassed – and the intense blush crawling up his face. Tooru forgets the tendril of ivy wound ever so tightly around him and the murmurs of the students all around them and even the way the roses are subtly turning towards him, all to record this moment for posterity because Hajime looks so goddamned cute right now.

Tooru shamelessly tucks himself into Hajime's side and grins brightly.

"Aww," he coos and the roses actually perk up at the sound of his voice, "If you wanted me to stay with you, Iwa-chan, all you had to do was ask."

"Shut up, Assikawa," Hajime responds instinctively, turning his face away, his neck still pink and Tooru doesn't miss the way half the roses deepen to an intense red[6] or the way the ivy's grip around his wrist loosens but doesn't disappear entirely.

He catalogues it for later and teases Hajime all the way to class.

* * *

The next is when Tooru's desk is overrun by greenery over the course of the next few days.

On the plus side, it really lends to his sense of princely mystique, given that his corner of the classroom resembles a veritable verdure wonderland – what with the intertwining vines with their emerald-bright leaves, the patch of lush grass beneath him and the mix of perky yellow sunflowers[7], white roses[8] and more of those purple pansies blooming up the legs of his desk – and the girls ooh and ahh over him more than usual. In fact, Tooru is positive that some of them have him and his desk as their phone's home screen wallpaper (and really, who could blame them in the face of such perfection).

The problem is the flowers.

Tooru swears that they're getting more and more sentient by the day, because the flowers reacting to the sound of voice is normal, their color deepening in his presence is normal, but _touching_ him isn't.

 _Iwa-chan, call off your plants_ _（｀〇_ _Д_ _〇）_ , Tooru texts him in the middle of his Chemistry lesson, when the sunflowers begin stroking his hand lovingly when he tries to take notes.

 _What,_ Hajime texts back and Tooru panics when some of roses turn to him.

 _Is this about stealing your tofu?_ He asks because that is probably the biggest affront he's made today – since their banter is always violent and Hajime does love his agedashi tofu more than is healthy – and when the roses begin brushing their petals against his sleeve, Tooru jerks his arm back and hurriedly types another message, _Oh my god, make them stop, I'M SORRYヽ_ _(ﾟ_ _Дﾟ_ _)ﾉ_.

 _Oikawa, I'm not doing anything, I swear_ , Hajime responds and that's when Tooru asks to be excused from class and goes to hide in the nearest storage closet till the end of the day.

* * *

There are other varied incidences, including the time Tooru wakes up one morning to find a literal sakura[9] tree – in full bloom at that – right in his front yard, with the branches curving to follow him and leave showers of blossoms wherever he goes, and the other time when Tooru is receiving a confession from this cute redheaded freshman and then, just as the girl asks him to go out with her, Tooru is ensconced by hedges some seven feet tall, boxing him in, and the girl is screaming for help and something about the yellow roses[5] trying to prick her with their thorns and Tooru is just whimpering and crying into his hands because this is apparently his life now.

The last straw is perhaps when Tooru wakes up in the middle of the night and there is something thick and snake-like wrapping itself around his ankle and he _screams_.

"Get off me, get off me, get off me!" he yells and his mother comes rushing in, multiplying herself in distress – one of them flicks open the light switch, one runs out to wake up his father, one comes up by his bedside and throws away the covers.

"Mommy…" Tooru cries because the plants are trying to _kill him in his sleep now_.

"What on earth," one of his mother says, staring at the tendril wrapped around his ankle, blooming with thick white cactus flowers[10].

"Your father is on the phone with Yukari-san," another of his mother sticks her head in from his bed room doorway, referring to Hajime's mother.

"I'm sorry for ever saying that I wanted to be abducted by aliens," Tooru whimpers and struggles as the cactus flowers climb dangerously high up his thigh. The third and last doppelgänger of his mother brandishes a long ended candle lighter at the flora, a small flame at the end of it.

"Stay away from my baby," she growls and the flowers actually shrink in response, "Go to back where you came from."

The thick vine loosens its grip around Tooru's leg to regard his mother in confusion and Tooru grapples for the emergency alien invasion survival kit he keeps under his pillow, unboxing it to withdraw a lighter.

"Go _away_ ," his mother stresses, putting the flame close to one of the flowers.

"Do as she says," Tooru clicks on his own lighter and waves it at the vine for emphasis.

The vine unwinds itself from Tooru's leg obediently, the flowers closing up, and then slinks away quietly.

* * *

"I can't control it," Hajime admits miserably at lunch the next day and Tooru can't even bring himself to reiterate the horrors of last night a fourth time, because Hajime really does look sorry and he also looks like he hasn't gotten any sleep last night.

"Well, duh." Takahiro rolls his eyes, chewing on his third profiterole, "We can see that."

"They have classes for this kind of thing, Iwa-chan," Tooru advises, "You should get it under control because your plants are attacking _everyone_ and, most importantly, me."

Takahiro coughs discreetly and Issei stays strangely quiet. Hajime shiftily looks away and a bright orange honeysuckle[11] blooms from his wrist in response, edging towards Tooru, it's petals quivering and Tooru whips out the lighter he's been carrying around all day and angles it at the flower warningly.

"See what I said?!" Tooru points at the drooping flower and Hajime just makes a noise suspiciously close to a whimper.

Takahiro reaches for his fourth profiterole. "I have a theory, Hajime,"

"Oh, please, no," Hajime closes his eyes tightly and curls himself into a ball. Tooru ignores his personal agony for two long seconds to admire just how adorable Hajime looks in that pose, very akin to a cute, prickly porcupine.

"I think your plants are getting very in sync with your inner emotions," Takahiro says, all professor-like, "An outlet for all that rage you bottle up inside yourself, if you will."

"And _other_ feelings," Issei adds with a waggle of his eyebrows.

"Fascinating," Tooru coos.

"Please stop." Hajime pleads, his voice muffled by his knees.

"It's incredibly entertaining personally." Takahiro says and takes a bite of his pastry.

Issei cuts in with a considering hum. "Also, seeing how lecherous your plants are being-"

"They're not _my_ plants," Hajime tells him, "And they're not being… _lecherous_."

"They _are_ ," Tooru says, "On both counts. And I can attest to that because they seem to love getting in bed with me. I mean, who can blame them though,"

" _What_?!" Hajime whips his head out from his knees to stare at Tooru in absolute horror. Takahiro chokes on his pastry and Issei breaks into a bout of ugly laughter.

"See what I told you, Issei?" Takahiro wheezes out when he's swallowed down his profiterole, "Top quality entertainment."

"Learn to take responsibility, _Iwa-chan_ ," Tooru pouts at Hajime and Hajime colors and burrows himself back in his knees with a pitiful moan.

Issei clears his throat and continues, "As I was saying, perhaps we should get your plants pollinated or something, Hajime. For all our sakes."

"Or get _him_ laid; that just might work too." Takahiro stage whispers and Hajime actually whimpers which is just _so fucking cute_ , but Tooru doesn't stop himself from guffawing alongside Issei.

Issei lights up then and abruptly drops his half-eaten yakisoba bread.

"I have an idea," he says and winks at the three of them, "I'll be right back."

"That can't mean anything good," Hajime states in a small voice.

Tooru wants to tell him that he's being too negative but then Issei returns two blinks later, wearing a shit-eating grin and holding onto a mildly confused Ushijima.

* * *

"Please tell the two of them to stop glaring at me," Ushijima calmly turns to Issei, who's walking alongside him as Ushijima leads them to Shiratorizawa's apparently flourishing greenhouse.

Takahiro promptly cuffs Tooru and Hajime on the back of their heads.

"Be polite," he tells Tooru specifically and Tooru turns up his nose in response. Takahiro sighs, "He _is_ trying to help."

"No way," Tooru folds his arms and sticks out his lower lip petulantly, while Hajime, predictably, shrinks in shame. Pale yellow freesias begin blooming spontaneously from Hajime's shoulder, edging over to Tooru and Tooru squeaks and jumps away from Hajime, then promptly adjusts his facial expression to sullen and stops glaring at Ushijima.

Ushijima turns back at the sound and gives Hajime an assessing look.

"Childish and immature," he says, "Freesias."

"Excuse me," Hajime balks, his voice dark.

"Freesias indicate that someone is being childish and immature," Ushijima clarifies, "According to _Hanakotoba_."

"Sounds about right," Takahiro says, just as Issei tries to cover up his chuckle with a cough.

Tooru turns to Hajime, who's staring at Ushijima's back in shock.

"So you really _were_ thinking that I was being childish and immature, Iwa-chan?"

"Told you your plants are getting in sync with your emotions," Takahiro says smugly.

Tooru blinks and thinks back to the type of flowers that have been harassing him for two weeks now.

"Ushiwaka-chan," Tooru calls and Ushijima cocks his head to indicate he's listening, "So what do yellow roses[5] mean?"

Hajime makes a sound and Tooru glances at him, only to see him blanch.

"Oh, yes," Issei nudges Ushijima with glee, " _Do_ tell,"

"We're here," Ushijima says instead and turns to address Tooru, "I'll lend you a book, Oikawa."

"Ushiwaka, you old soul," Takahiro actually presses his hand to his heart, "You still read _books_."

Ushijima blinks in something like confusion. "Do you not have textbooks at Aoba Jousai?"

"Adorable," Issei pretends to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye, "Why do we hate him again?"

"I'm going home." Hajime tells them but Tooru blocks his path and pushes him towards the greenhouse.

"Let me _go."_ Hajime demands weakly, "I did _not_ sign up for this shit."

"Man up, Hajime," Takahiro tugs on one of his hands and Issei closes his fingers around his other forearm, changing their focus from Ushijima to Hajime, "This is for your own good."

"I hate you," Hajime tells them and his shrubbery begins flourishing as they bring him closer to the greenhouse, "All of you."

"You love us." Issei returns, "We're absolutely delightful,"

Hajime makes an exasperated yell in response.

Ushijima calmly unlocks the greenhouse with a key, noting the thriving greenery with interest. The combined efforts of Tooru, Issei and Takahiro is what gets a protesting Hajime into the middle of the greenhouse and the plants actually perk up when they note his presence. Ushijima regards some blooming hydrangeas[12] with a tiny, pleased smile.

"Iwaizumi," he says just as Tooru, Issei and Takahiro jog to get out of the line of fire, as evidenced by the way the plants are creeping up to a hunted looking Hajime, "In light of the current circumstances, I really should've been asking _you_ to come to Shiratorizawa."

Takahiro yells at the plants with ill-concealed bravado, "Have an orgy to your hearts' content, my green friends!"

"What the fuck," Hajime stares at all of them, ignoring the way flowers have bloomed on every inch of his uniform right now and the way the stalks of the nearest coriander[13] plant are twining around his biceps, "I swear I'll murder every last one of you in your sle-"

And that's all he manages to say before a mass of plants descend on him, leaving just a Hajime shaped, green-leaved, quivering _thing_ in the middle of the greenhouse.

* * *

Ushijima is the first to recover.

"Perhaps this was a bad idea," he states in his usual neutral tone.

Tooru is the first to lapse into hysteria.

" _You think_?!" he yells at Ushijima and scrambles for his lighter, "Makki, Mattsun, fucking _do_ something!"

"Clippers are in the storage," Ushijima says and Takahiro nods quickly, both hurriedly jogging out.

"Bad, _bad_ plants," Tooru waves his lighter at the prickly stalks of aloe lengthening in Hajime's direction, "Get away from Iwa-chan!"

A tendril of ivy quickly wraps itself around Tooru's lighter and pointedly pitches it at the opposite end of the greenhouse.

Issei disappears then reappears a second later with a fancy katana that Tooru swears he's seen at Mizoguchi's house. At Tooru's expression, Issei just shrugs.

"It was an emergency. I'll return it later," he rationalizes then yells at the green thing that was formerly Iwaizumi Hajime, "We're coming to save you Hajime!"

Issei begins hacking at the plants to reach to Hajime and Tooru carefully stands out of range, fully panicking. Just as Ushijima and Takahiro bolt through the door brandishing clippers, the plants unwind from Hajime, leaving him in an artfully torn uniform shirt and Tooru takes a second to internally swoon at just how _ripped_ Hajime is – with his body that owes a resemblance to those Greek statues of yore, not to mention the tanned skin that's gone lighter in the winter and the dark trail of hair leading down to the edge of his trousers; he's just _perfect_ , Tooru thinks – but then he notes the positively terrified expression on his face and, just like that, Tooru is wading through the plants.

"Not again," Hajime moans just as Tooru gets to him and latches onto his hand and sees that there is a literal _wall_ of plants coming towards them.

"Let's get out of here!" Takahiro pushes Ushijima to the door and Issei pushes forward to pull on Hajime's other hand, yelling at Tooru to grab onto him. Tooru does and then one blink later, they're at the edge of the path leading to the greenhouse, with Takahiro collapsed on the ground and Ushijima staring off at the distance, possibly depicting signs on insetting shock.

Issei concedes, lowering his head in shame, Mizoguchi's katana grasped in his right hand.

Hajime only makes a distressed noise and Tooru pulls him into his chest protectively in response, tucking Hajime's face in his nape, smiles a little when Hajime practically snuggles in, and ignores the way there are bluebells[14] sprouting by their feet.

* * *

(Of course, the suffering kitten routine only lasts about ten minutes – the best ten minutes of Tooru's life so far, if he's being honest – after which Hajime turns around and fixes the four of them with _that_ glare, the one that even has Kyoutani tucking his metaphorical tail and running.

"You have three seconds," he growls.

Never in his life has Tooru seen Ushijima run _that_ fast.)

* * *

Various assorted bruises later, Tooru walks Hajime home, uncaring of the fact that he is currently stretching out Tooru's sweater vest with those broad shoulders of his, given that his uniform shirt had been demolished by vegetation due to recent events – and, well, someone _had_ to cover him up, because letting Hajime walk around like that, with that amazing torso on display, was not good for Tooru's maidenly heart. Or his ego, because they have the _same_ workout schedule, but Tooru doesn't look like _that_ , what the hell. But, yeah, mostly the former.

Hajime sighs heavily for the umpteenth time.

"I'll just have to live with this crap then," he says finally.

"It's only till April, Iwa-chan," Tooru knocks his shoulder into Hajime's.

"Yeah," Hajime agrees, "Thank god for that."

White and red carnations[15] begin blooming spontaneously and twine themselves onto Tooru's arm.

"And we still didn't solve the problem," Tooru bemoans, "Ugh, Iwa-chan, do you constantly think bad thoughts about everyone around you?"

"I do _not_ ," Hajime returns but his voice sounds strange when he manually untangles the carnations from Tooru's arm.

"Oh, just me then?" Tooru bats his eyelashes at him, if only to behold the expression of pure terror on his face, "I'm irresistible to plant life _and_ human life,"

And that's when it hits him – fuck, Hajime's plants do target _only him_. They hadn't touched Issei or Takahiro and had even resisted the efforts of the local botany whisperer, Ushijima.

"You're such an embarrassment," Hajime whips his face forward and picks up his pace, conveniently forgetting that Tooru had the longer legs and could keep up with ease.

Tooru singsongs, "Your plants keep getting into my bed and my desk and my locker and they follow me _everywhere_ -"

"No they don't,"

"They even try to make out with me, Iwa-chan,"

"No, they _don't_ ,"

"Do you know what that means?"

"No and I don't want to!"

"It means," and here Tooru grabs onto Hajime's arm and leans in closer to leer at him, " _You_ want to make out with me."

Hajime's eyes are wide and horrified and Tooru laughs gleefully.

"Your plants _love_ me, so, obviously, you love me too!" he declares happily.

Hajime doesn't answer and chooses to bolt instead, sprinting down the sidewalk and towards his front gate, some four houses down, at full pace.

"Wait! Iwa-chan!" Tooru yells after him, "At least let me accept your confession before you go!"

At that, Hajime literally screeches to a halt and whips his head around to stare at Tooru's head, like Tooru had cotton candy spewing out of his ears.

"What the," Hajime gapes, "You _love_ me?!"

Tooru rolls his eyes, casually sauntering over to him. "Of course, I do. I have excellent taste, after all."

Hajime turns fully and just stares and when Tooru continues looking at him smugly, his face breaks into his deepest scowl, and a disturbingly large hedge begins growing behind him, stopping when it's about five centimeters over Hajime's head.

"You're such an asshole," Hajime growls, completely oblivious to the vibrant red roses[16] that bloom to life behind him each time he speaks, "So goddamned insufferable. Complete and utter trash. Trashykawa. Shittykawa. Assikawa. Idiotkawa. I hate you. God, I hate you so fucking much."

Tooru's smile stretches so wide on his face, it physically hurts.

"No," he clicks his tongue, "No, you _really_ don't, Iwa-chan."

"I do," Hajime insists giving Tooru his dirtiest look and more fat roses bloom on the hedge, "I really, really do."

"I don't believe you in the slightest."

"I don't even know why I put up with you. No one should have _you_ inflicted on them, _no_ one, because you're such a total and complete pain in my ass-"

"Only if you ask nicely," Tooru winks and he can physically see a vein in Hajime's temple give a violent twitch.

"I _hate_ you."

"Even _I_ know what those mean, Iwa-chan," Tooru juts his chin towards the hedge, which is now totally covered with red roses, "And those don't really scream 'I hate you' to me."

Hajime looks over his shoulder and freezes, and that's when Tooru steps in closer to him and grips onto his forearms, preventing escape.

"So, _Hajime_ ," Tooru says conversationally, "I'm your 'true love', hm?"

Hajime's face colors to a delightful pink, but it's the plants that answer, vines twining around Tooru's hands to fix them to Hajime's forearms. And that's when Hajime surrenders, the tenseness in his posture dropping entirely.

"Ugh, this is _not_ how this was supposed to happen." He groans, "I was waiting till graduation."

"That far?" Tooru eyes him disapprovingly, "Well, at least your plants have the initiative _you_ don't,"

"Since when do you call 'making out with you' initiative? And, hell, why didn't _you_ take initiative?"

"Do I look like someone who can afford a punch to this flawless face, Iwa-chan?"

"What flawless face?" Hajime rolls his eyes, "I've seen you cry, mind you, and that monstrosity is light years away from flawless."

"Aww, but you still think I'm cute because you _looooove_ me," Tooru grins.

"This is _exactly_ why I never wanted to tell you," Hajime grouses, "Now you're going to be this smug all the damned time."

"Of course I will be," Tooru waggles his eyebrows at Hajime and Hajime reluctantly cracks a smile, "I mean, have you seen how perfect my boyfriend is?"

"God, you're so embarrassing,"

"You're the one who made a literal six foot declaration of your love for me, Iwa-chan,"

Hajime jolts when he realizes that the hedge is still in full bloom behind him. Tooru takes his distraction to pull away from Hajime's forearms and rest his own arms on Hajime's shoulders instead, moving in close enough to use his five centimeters on Hajime to his advantage.

"So," Tooru smirks down at his now best friend _and_ boyfriend, "Since we were talking about making out…"

* * *

Two days later, when they're at lunch, Takahiro wipes his watering eyes and Issei blows his nose into a tissue.

"So," Takahiro starts as Issei sniffs wetly in the background, "Remember when I said that your plants are in sync with your inner emotions, Hajime?"

Hajime looks at him from where he's resting his head in Tooru's lap, cocking a questioning eyebrow. "Yes?"

"Yeah, so like, keep your fucking emotions inside of you, alright?! Stop inflicting them on us! We never asked for this!"

"I mean, we were prepared to be annoyed by Tooru because he's… well, _him_ ," Issei adds, pointedly ignoring Tooru's indignant _hey_ , "But you were supposed to be okay. We liked you better when you weren't spreading so much _pollen_ around."

Hajime calmly flips them both off, using both his hands to emote his so-called inner emotions, and then promptly curls himself into Tooru's lap like an overgrown cat. Tooru goes back to stroking Hajime's hair immediately.

"I recommend stocking up on antihistamines," he cheerfully tells Takahiro and Issei. Takahiro gives him a dirty look in response.

"God, you two are disgusting." Issei tells them.

Tooru just grins at him broadly.

* * *

Here's a full list of the flowers and their meanings, picked from Hanakotoba and Plant Symbolism, both from Wikipedia.

[1] – Freesia: Childish/Immature

[2] – White Anemone: Sincere

[3] – Amaryllis: Shy

[4] – Pansy: Thoughtful/Caring, Hibiscus: Gentle, Yellow Camellia: Longing

[5] – Yellow Rose: Jealousy

[6] – Red and Yellow Roses together: Happiness

[7] – Sunflower: Radiance

[8] – White Rose: Devotion

[9] – Sakura (Cherry Blossoms): Gentle

[10] – Cactus flowers: Lust (Yes, Hajime is _totally_ jacking off at the middle of the night, why do you ask?)

[11] – Honeysuckle: Devoted affection, Bonds of love

[12] – Hydrangeas: Pride

[13] – Coriander: Lust (because, ahem, _plant orgy_ )

[14] – Bluebell: Grateful

[15] – White Carnation: Pure love, Red Carnation: Deep romantic love

[16] – Red Rose: True love

[17] - Because Aoba Jousai is represented by _plants_ , unlike every other school so far.

Aaaand, that's the first thing I post online in nearly four years. Welp.


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